Sturm und Drang.

(Before I start, I better sidai dulu tudung2 yang baru dibasuh itew).

My dad was warded on Wednesday night. Not many of my friends know this on that very day (remember, my day ends at 7am Malaysian time the next day, by that means Thursday morning); only my boss (since I was going to send Dad to the hosp that morning but Mom cakap tak payah ikut), my observant twitter and FB friends (since I put in on my status), and one of my team mates. Which was fine by me, but apparently some might view it differently.

I admit I suck big time at conveying news - especially bad ones - about my family. I think I'm not that good with my emotions. I have this vague feeling that the smses sent to my boss telling that Dad was warded sounded fake. Too much details. And I didn't even called him about it - reason being my dam might break upon informing him verbally (I remember that one time when my tears can't stop falling bila cerita macam mana anak kucing yang telah rosak saraf dia buleh mati). And also, it just so happened that I promised a friend to go supper with her after work that day, but I held my tongue very tight and she prolly did not suspect a thing.

I remember that day when my granddad on Dad's side passed away. I was in Form Five, and it was at prep time when a warden broke the news (I think it was Ustazah Einee). Went to the parking lot where my parents were waiting, and straightly went to Segambut. Paid my last respect to Gramps, and then guess what. Mom said (somewhat like this), "Go back to your school. You're gonna face a big exam this year." And I complied. I think some of my classmates was amazed to see me back in class for night prep.

Maybe they're thinking:

Cold heart, baby. (bak lirik lagu A.Mi.Go by SHINee)

Since they didn't see me shed any tears. Prolly. (Man, that J&J Baby Shampoo was effective!). At that time, I was reminded by myself that kalau kita menangisi pemergian orang, nanti orang tu akan tersiksa dalam kubur. Little that I know, menangisi yang dimaksudkan tu more like meratapi atau meraung2. Tu la, budak benak.

Same thing happened when it's time for my grandma from Mom's side. But this time, it was my sis's turn. I think she was in Banting or Ireland. Or was she in Jenan? Not sure about that. Anyways. I told Mom, just tell my sis so we can all pay our last respect to Grandma. And again, "Tak payah la.. nanti dia nak balik. Biar la dia belajar."

I guess from there I learnt that.. Study first? Family second? Madness. Why does Mom keep on doing this to me? To us? (Dah start la nak emo ni.. huh bawak bertenang... amek napas...huuhh haaahhh huhhhh haaahhh)

Korang paham dak ape aku cuba sampaikan ni? I guess not.

Anyways, berbalik kepada cerita.

I still haven't told my close friends personally about Dad's condition. Maybe... I don't want them to pay a visit? Or maybe comforting me? Can't say I'm not emotionally bothered about this matter, but I guess I don't like being reminded of it? Something like that. I'm doing this to stay sane... nantoka.

Maybe I do need someone to comfort me.

Never felt so alone before.






ThE DeaTh aNd ThE StRaWBeRRy